Chapter Eleven: Chickening Out
I nearly named this chapter "That's a Wrap!". I'm serious. I immediately stopped myself and banged my forehead on my desk in shame. Eck. I hope you didn't lose respect for me during that confession. As much as I like puns, even that's a little too far for me.I was finally a senior in college. It was surreal. It felt like mere months from when I had entered this place, hopeful and excited. I had worked on many movies, doing everything from script supervising to directing, and then finally finding my place in post-production. I had gained a great reputation in editing, and made wonderful friends on my journey. Superficially, all was well in my world. I was expected to graduate and get a wonderful editing job somewhere. People told me I was "so talented" and that they expected "great things from me". I remember telling one of my friends that it was hard to stay humble when you hear stuff like that so much. You actually start to believe it. I remember telling him that I had gotten so used to the positive attention for my editing that I was scared to graduate because I knew I would be a big fish no longer.
But below the surface, I was scared. The negative effects of "Hell" still lingered; the seed had been planted for career insecurity. I worried I would never again get that positive attention that drove me. And more than anything, I was scared to let everyone down. What if I didn't do "great things"? What if I never lived up to anyone's expectations of me?
My senior movie went well. It was called
Sprinkler. It was chosen to go to LA for our annual screening at the end of the year. Five movies are chosen each year and there is a screening in which graduates and contacts working in LA come to. It felt like a big deal, but also was rumored to rarely help anyone find a job. Nonetheless, it was a great accomplishment, and I was proud of it.
The year flew by. Before I knew it, it was graduation. Our class had grown very close over the years. While we were waiting to go on stage, we stood in a circle, different people entering the middle and making great speeches of how lucky we were to of found each other. Looking around the group, there wasn't a single person I disliked. In four years, we had become a family. It was no surprise when one person started to sing the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme, and everyone joined in. I almost cried because as odd as it may seem to you, it was one of the greatest moments of my life. We were standing as a class for the last time, and we were singing the theme song to a television show. "Now this is the story all about how, my life got flipped, turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute , just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air."
At the end of the year, after graduation, the graduates get their last "hurrah" on the LA trip. Other than the screening mentioned above, it is a school organized field trip that includes visiting different companies and museums, and is really just an opportunity for everyone to see LA and spend one last week together as a class. There were a few people who didn't come, and saying goodbye to them was so very sad, and only was the beginning of a long series of "bad"byes.
As far as where everyone was going, many were going to LA, some other various places, but most, surprisingly were going to NY. NYC was where I was also headed. While most of my good friends were going there, it also appealed to me because it was still relatively close to home. I also liked the city better than LA. From afar, NYC looked like the perfect place for me. It offered some comforts of home, in the form of people I knew going there, still had industry opportunities, but would also give me an opportunity to explore other paths, should I chose to do so.
After graduation, I didn't even want to watch any movies. I didn't really want to make anymore movies. I was burnt out. I needed a break. I couldn't reconcile these feelings with knowing that I had a BFA in Film. I couldn't say the words that I had dreaded since I entered the school. "I don't think I want to do this." Keep in mind, this is a week after graduation!
It wasn't until a very unexpected moment did I acknowledge these words. In our LA hotel room, me and some friends were joined by a relative stranger. He had gone to our school for music composition, and was invited to come to LA with us, but we didn't really know him. My friend Tom, a guy who is always one to make people feel welcome, took him under his wing, and he started to hang out with us. After a series of events, I found myself alone with the shy newcomer in my hotel room. I was on my bed, desperate for a nap, and he was sitting in a chair watching tv. As friendly and welcoming as I am, I wanted him to leave. I wanted to sleep! I told him I was going to nap, and he said "Okay", and then proceeded to continue watching tv at a somewhat loud level.
Sleep didn't come. I finally gave up and decided to engage in a conversation with this guy. All hints I was dropping for him to leave were going by unnoticed. We started talking and I asked him what he was doing now that he was a graduate. He told me how even though his degree was in music composition for films, he was pretty good at computer programming and enjoyed it. He had recently gotten a job working with video games. It was that moment that I realized that I didnt have to work in film if I didn't want to. My degree wasn't binding to a career. And at that moment I decided that I would go a different way. I needed a break, and maybe, just maybe, this wasn't for me afterall.
I ultimately decided that I had gotten a degree in my hobby. I would edit in my spare time, but didn't want to make a career of it. Instead, ideas of working in news, being a banker, or maybe even a single, white, female rap star entered my head. (Some leaving just as quickly as they came.) When I told my friends of my plans, they were all pretty shocked. "But you're sooo good!!!" Looking back, I'm scared to admit that I think a lot of this decision had to do with the fear of failing or proving them wrong. I think while I was exhausted and glad to be rid of film work, I was scared to enter the real world. It would be a lot less surprising to fail at something I wasn't trained in, or had a degree for. Basically, when the time came to pull the trigger, I chickened out. I told my friends that if it was meant to be, it would happen. For now, I was going to persue a job in a news station. My new ambition to be a live television director. I said goodbye to college, goodbye to movies, and goodbye to editing. NYC, here I come.
Next chapter: Entering the real world and how I ended up going full circle...kinda.
Labels: fear of failure, graduation
posted by ms bct @ 1:15 PM
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