Tales From The Inside

Chapter Six: Let Me Take A Minute...

Film school. Yuck. Even I have a negative reaction when someone tells me they went to film school. Immediately you assume pretension and an ego that couldn't fit through a regulation doorway. And I'll be honest, sometimes film school does ingrain a slight "untouchable" quality in its victims. I'd like to believe I was pretty grounded while attending school, but the truth is, I probably was a snotty little ass, just like all those snotty little asses now that I hear boasting and bragging about their student film. You get held in such high regard for so long, friends brag about their friend who is in "the movie biz", uncles squeeze cheeks and inappropriately pat your ass saying things like, "I can't wait to see you up on the big screen," no matter how many times you try to tell them in your haughtiest tone, that you aren't an actor. As if! And you make a movie, and no one has the balls to say they don't get it or the acting is bad and the story is, well, not a story. Because when you're in the middle of it all, it's hard to step back and be like, "What would people who I've never met think? What would they enjoy?" But instead, you're in this bubble, and everything seems genius because you're doing it. It's a bunch of kids who idealize movies, making them. But let's be honest, most student films suck. Stories that are too big for their own good, dialogue that sounds so contrived you want to slit your wrists. Of course there are exceptions. One of the movies I made is not an exception though. I set myself firmly in this category of "most student films suck". Imagine a story where this girl sits in a cafe counting her pulse because she's sure she's going to die, and Aimee Mann's "Save Me" is playing in the background as her and the boy who came to her rescue sits having a conversation for ages about nothing, and now I wish I were dead. Jesus, who let me do that?

I hate film school. But I love it for all the same reasons. Because you are doing all these horrible movies and if anyone else sees them, they'll probably cry at the mere mention of an encore, but everyone that worked on it, holds this pride that is incomprehensible. You watched it form and it now is some sort of narrative, that may be horrendous in its own right, but you can't even see it because when the lights are turned off and that first credit comes on the screen, your stomach is doing all these things you've only read about. And you watch as this thing comes to life, and people laugh or pretend to be moved, and when its over people clap. And I swear, that first clap makes you thirsty. You want to film them clapping and cut it together with some music that you heard about from your friend who knows all this underground music that you think no one else is listening to, and put it on the screen just so you can maybe relive that moment. Everytime I did a movie in school, I swore that it was my last. You get to a point where the movie becomes your life and you hate it and dread ever having to watch it again, and then you hear that clap. It's all over and you want to do it again. That's why I love film school. Because you get that clap. You get to experience having an audience, and be assured, after that screening someone will come up to you and tell you how it touched them and you'll feel like you've done Ecstasy. And then you feel untouchable and when people ask you where you go to school, you'll say a little too proudly, "I'm a film student". Your head gets in the clouds and you forget your place. You may be the big fish in the small pond, but in the big pond? You are microscopic, no matter how amazing your thesis was. That's where some film students go astray. I've heard this called "dangerously deluded" as this attitude can cost you jobs, contacts, and money! This is where the line between pros and cons of film school gets blurry. Some graduates think, "Hey I've directed movies at film school! Why do I have to be a PA?!?!"

You know, there's so much more to say about film school. I fully intend to go more in depth in the next chapter, but I wanted to get that out. For now, I'll try and leave a little advice for anyone that is considering film school. Look at your life. Look at yourself. Are you ready to go out into the business? It's really easy to say yes here, but consider this: It's tough. It's harder than I ever expected. I have wanted to give up so much, but luckily for me, I had a lot of those first, "Holy shit, this is hard and I should be a banker" moments while I was in film school. Someone was always there to talk me down from the metaphorical ledge. Another important thing to think about, the key thing in this business is who you know. You can scoff and assure yourself that you are not in need of contacts, and you could be right. Hell you could take your money you would spend your tuition and make a movie, but in film school you are allowed to fail. You make all these horrible movies and bond with these people, (because there is nothing like a bond that comes from being on a film crew), and you are on top of the world. And then you graduate, and you hit rock bottom. It's almost perfect that way. (It's funny but you never really hear anyone bragging about being a film school graduate.) Because when you hit bottom, you have to go up. You have to get your shit together and do something with your life. But you aren't alone. You have all these wonderful people you've met experiencing the same thing. And when you start going up, you know what its like to fail, and you can still taste the success you felt in school, and you want that again. You start on a clean slate, and you do what you have to do. It's not the reel that you get, or the film school name on your resume that matters, its failing and then succeeding, and then failing again. It's about learning to deal with the ups and downs and possibly most important, learning about yourself and where you fit in the process. (You'd be surprised at how many people who came to film school positive that they wanted to be directors, only to find that they enjoyed cinematography, editing, or even producing a lot better.) The technical aspects, lingo, cinematic styles, all that can be learned by jumping in head first. You can learn all that by being a PA on the "indie" movie shooting in the mall. But while there's nothing like that first clap, there's also nothing like that first failure. Just ask yourself where you want to be when you fail? That's the question.

Labels: film school

posted by ms bct @ 7:29 PM